being quiet,

sometimes being quiet about somethings can lead to some miscommunication.

and
sometimes being quiet makes people thinks that you are aloof.

sometimes being quiet makes people thinks that you are so easy going.

sometimes being quiet makes people thinks that you are so "nevermind".



but im not.
there are somethings never meant to be said.
somethings i wish to say, but eventually didnt come out from my mouth.
i think before i act, maybe this keep me from doing silly mistakes.


i don't feel good of cause. keepin somethings not said out, worryin what IF this what IF that. i do feel being pusharound at times.

the first time, the second time, and it kind of didnt stop.
and i know it wont stop unless i want it to be.

that is to speak out my mind.

im not a direct person.i must say.

a msn nick of "it's not mine to vie with in the first place" can led thamtham to think that im in love with mingshen.






neh.im not gd at handling relationships. let it be lovey or peers relationships.
it stops me from saying things that i wanna shout out.
knnbccb.
must as well me hide in a corner and try to blend in with the wall.


i feel betrayed. i didnt act out.
coz i have this alternate thinkin that maybe im feelin the wrong thing, maybe it wasnt seems at though it is.

i feel leftout by a bloody mrt fare of $1.40 from orchard to toa payoh. i didnt go round screamin on phone, WTF friends are u all?
although i feel very much like.
but i know after screamin, nothing will happen except more cracks on our friendships.
and its not after screamin, u guys will come dinner with me for my sake.
in e end i went to eat katong laska on my own.


there is this human rights that allow us to choose what we want to do, and not to do.
if people choose not to come with me, i shouldnt have the right to scream at them, and them yellin at me back.

i believe in that.
that makes me so aloof.

mum say that i was a antisocial kid in kindergarden and primary one.
to me schoolmates and classmates are so stranger. they are a butch of kids to me.
they only play with water ducks.
i only have fun when i was still hangin out at bukit panjang blk 200+ near market there.

in kindergarden,

i played catchin barefooted.
i climb up the roof of the playground like nobody cares.
i go around kickin vendin machines(before camera was installed in it).
i gathered up with my cousins and outside friends go to the nearby big drain and catch tabpoles. we fall and laugh at each other.
i went up to level20, the highest level in this blk in my housing estate with my cousin to look at scenary. i remember we saw cck expressway instead, and there is a bigbigbig factory beside it.
i go around throwing rubbish notes inside letterboxes.
i go around comparing who can go the highest with the swings.
i learned how to swing high high high high up above and the method is to stand and swing.
i knew how to make a skippin rope with only rubber bands.
we will make it longlonglonglong so that 5 of us could jump in and jump together.
i longed for my first red ant bite because my cousin always tell me a red ant bite feels like BCG injection.
i knew how to make a bird trap.
i played with waterbombs with the rest under the blk and make a din, police came and we got caught. lucky we were minors(under16) no records.


___________________________________________________________________

when u were young, the sky is the limit. cause u dunno wheres the limit.

now im 17, the sky is still the limit. cause i push myself for the better.

but why when u were young, you could trust everybody and say friends forever to everyone.

now when im 17, i couldnt place my trust anywhere except myself.



come on lah, 17 of years in life, i know everyones is selfish when it comes to somethings.
regardless of whats the thing that matters to you, u feel selfish at times.
(of coz selfless at times too. humans are beautiful)


i lie, u lie, we all do lie. lies are so part of our life.
white lies, "black" lies?
it is still lying.


why cant i have the eyes of a mosqitoe?
i can see things from more angles. thats what i want.
see things more clearly.